The existence of a COMMISSARIATE OF PUBLIC RELATIONS within the Ministry of Pride of the Darwintern only came to light when the following advertisment appeared in the June 2006 edition of ''The International Conspirators' Monthly''

THE DARWINIST INTERNATIONAL, a leading-edge and prestigious top-secret global conspiracy now ruthlessly expanding into the total world domination sector, has an exciting new opportunity for a

COMMISSAR OF PUBLIC RELATIONS

Reporting directly to the Spokesman for the Grand Master, the CPR has full responsibility for presenting a public front for a faceless and nefarious organisation. Occupying generous office accommodation at the Darwintern's cavernous, S.M.E.R.S.H.-like subterranean headquarters on the Galapagos Islands, the CPR is expected to travel at short notice to global trouble spots to help maintain the Conspiracy's facade of plausible deniability as it foments war, chaos, revolution, mayhem and snotty attitudes around the world.

The Role

Candidates must be able to demonstrate a proven and outstanding track record in all aspects of PR for ultra-top-secret and extra-legal organisations such as the Cosa Nostra of Sicily, the Tonton Macoutes of Haiti, the Sendero Luminoso of Peru, or the Senior Ladies Civic Gardening Society of Rancho Cucamonga. Fierce and unquestioning loyalty to the organisation and its brutal ambitions is essential, an otherwise rather lax approach to personal morality a distinct advantage.

Energetic, self-starting, and driven candidates must further exhibit:

• ability to not disclose secret and sensitive information under extreme torture

• capacity to remain calm, collected and good-natured even in the face of vicious and scurrilous Creationist screeds and ad hominems so astoundingly vile and ignorant they could stun an ox at fifty paces.

• well-honed evasiveness, disarming duplicity, comprehensive mastery of Machiavellian arts of manipulation, and an accredited degree in spin-doctoring

• good people skills: we are Team Players!

• a taste for Guinness stout (training provided, if necessary)

   

The Rewards

Generous remuneration is paid in the Conspiracy's own currency, the Galapagan Guano.

Comprehensive retirement plan, medical, dental and death benefits are provided. Other initial benefits include: relocation allowance, stock options, fatigue and dress uniforms, full use of HQ's luxurious social and sporting facilities (a supplement of 0.50 Guanos is payable for a towel, or bring your own), and a battle-hardened beer kooshie bearing the Official Seal of The Darwinist International,  the Conspiracy that Cares.

To Apply

Candidates should in the first instance apply by submitting to any High School Biology teacher (all of whom, without exception, are card-carrying agents of the Darwintern) the following items:

• Full resume / curriculum vitae

• An essay, not exceeding 5,000 words, completing the following sentence: "I want to help the Darwintern dominate the world and kick some Creationist butt because..."

• A notarised waiver of indemnity absolving the Darwinist International, its field agents, HQ operatives, or other designated representatives, from any and all legal liability whatsoever in the event of trauma (physical or psychological), disablement or death during the interview process, should such transpire, and notwithstanding any negligence or malfeasance on the part of the Darwintern, its field agents &c. &c.

• a family member (e.g. spouse, offspring, sibling or parent) to be held hostage by the Darwintern. At the conclusion of the interview stage, all candidates who have fully complied with required security precautions will have their hostages returned, intact. To any candidate achieving only partial compliance of security regulations, return of hostage will be calculated pro rata.

   

Closing date for applications is midnight (UT), 31 July 2006. "Black Ops" agents will extraordinarily render candidates short-listed for interview to the Darwintern's secret vetting camp within two weeks of that date.

''The Darwinist International is an Equal-Opportunities Cabal''