THE COVEN OF MINISTERS, more popularly known as ''The Seven Deadly Ministries'', is one of the identified Kingdoms, or ''Regna'' (the highest administrative level), of the Darwintern.

Many Creationists assert that the principal avowed purpose of the global Darwinist conspiracy is to enable universal sexual licentiousness, random promiscuity, and unbridled lust.

We have established, however, that that is an utter misrepresentation. The Darwintern is not merely concerned with "promoting Lust," but is dedicated to universal installation of ''all'' of the Seven Deadly Sins.

 

In other words,  the Darwintern is strictly an Equal-Moral Degradations Conspiracy.

 

Phyla of the Coven and their Orders/Classes/Families

 

Second only in rank to the Grand Master, a Minister of the Darwintern is invariably a previously-prominent individual who has has "died" (in fact, been subject to a carefully-staged "accident" or "disappearance": see  Air Darwin) as part of the recruitment process.  The governing Coven of Ministers thus consists entirely of ''non-persons'', who serve the Grand Master loyally because they exist entirely at his pleasure. Any disciplinary actions via the "Tortoise Pit" pass unregarded by the outside world. The Grand Master's dominion over the conspiracy is absolute.

Governed by the GM through the Supreme Primateship, the operational ''regnum'' of the Coven of Ministers is organised into seven ''phyla'', each dedicated to the promotion of a particular set of "mortal sins."

 

Traditionally, each of these ''phyla'' is further associated with one of the seven colours of the spectrum of visible light and, borrowing a schema from the mediaeval schoolmen, correlation with a particular totemic animal. Additionally, each ''phylum'' is further associated with a particular infernal punishment as specified by Dante in ''La Divina Commedia''.

 

These attributes, taken together, are used heraldically within the cabal. Thus, if one encounters a document bearing a shield depicting a Blue Snake which is casting Kent Hovind into a Pit of Flaming Brimstone, a Darwintern Agent will at once know it originates from the Ministry of Lust (more popularly known as "the Porno Pool", or "Blue Ops").

 

There is some circumstantial evidence that each ''phylum'' (and possibly the various Classes, Orders, and Families within them) is also associated with many other arcane symbols (the seven Indian chakras, the Seven Seals of the Book of Revelations, the seven main characters of The Magnificent Seven, Snow White's Seven Dwarves, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, and the like).

 

The ''phyla'' comprising the Seven Deadly Ministries are:

 

I: Ministry of Pride (Phylum Superbiae): Propaganda

Spectral Hue: Violet

Totemic Beast: Peacock

Dantean Punishment: Breaking on a Wheel

 

Covers all aspects of "the acceptable face of godless licentious immoral Darwinism."

 

Identified divisions (Classes/Orders/Families) include:

Commissariate of Public Relations

Directorate of Propaganda

Academia Infiltration Division

Smithsonian Institute

 

II: Ministry of Lust (Phylum Luxuriae): The Porno Pool

Spectral Hue: Blue

Totemic Beast: Snake

Dantean Punishment: Flaming Brimstone

 

Generally known as "Blue Ops", and one of the most popular assignments among Darwintern agents and operatives; ruthlessly dedicated to sexual immorality in all its manifold perversions.

 

Identified divisions (Classes/Orders/Families) include:

 

Office of General Moral Laxity

Better Monkey-Business Bureau

Hollywood Starlet Procurement

The Homintern (also known as "Pink Ops")

Office of the Orgy-Master General

 

III: Ministry of Sloth (Phylum Acediae): The Janitorial Pool

Spectral Hue: Cyan

Totemic Beast: Goat

Dantean Punishment: Pit of Snakes

This ''phylum'' comprises all the menials too idle to try for a better job, but whose intermittent labours help everyone else live in relative idleness.  The eventual enslavement of the bulk of humanity to serve the needs of the Darwintern appears to be the Ministry of Sloth's prime directive.

 

Identified divisions (Classes/Orders/Families) include:

 

The Worshipful Company of Custodians (also known as "Brown Ops" -- the Janitorial Pool

The Butler Corps

The League of Serving Wenches

Bureau of Scavenging

 

IV: Ministry of Envy (Phylm Invidiae): Security and Surveillance

Spectral Hue: Green

Totemic Beast: Dog

Dantean Punishment: Freezing Water

 

More commonly known as "Black Ops."

 

Identified divisions (Classes/Orders/Families) include:

 

Security

Covert Surveillance

Enforced Extinctions (Terminations of the Extremely Prejudiced)

Intelligence

Counter-Intelligence

Counter-Intelligent-Design

Air Darwin

 

V: Ministry of Greed (Phylum Avaritiae): Finance

Spectral Hue: Yellow

'Totemic Beast: Frog

Dantean Punishment: Boiling Oil

The hard-core money boys who could have taught the Enron accountants a few new tricks.

 

Identified divisions (Classes/Orders/Families) include:

 

Extortion

The Money Laundry

Global Commodity Market Manipulation

 

VI: Gluttony Division (Phylum Gulae): Research & Development

Spectral Hue: Orange

Totemic Beast: Pig

Dantean Punishment: Force fed rats and toads

 

Gluttons for scientific knowledge -- the mortal enemy of Faith.

 

Identified divisions (Classes/Orders/Families) include:

 

Department of Proto-Human Resources

Fossil Fabrication Unit ("The Piltdowners")

The Mary Shelley Memorial Laboratory (aka MSM Lab)

 

 

VII: Ministry of Wrath (Phylum Irae): Enforcement

Spectral Hue: Red

Totemic Beast: Bear

Dantean Punishment: Dismemberment

The muscle that's called upon when stealth and treachery fail to deliver.

 

Identified divisions (Classes/Orders/Families) include:

 

The Platypus Phalanx

Hammer of Darwin