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Anthropophagous Tortoises

Page history last edited by Swinefat Pink 14 years, 2 months ago


THE LEGENDARY ANTHROPOPHAGOUS TORTOISES of the Darwintern are a hybrid breed of the Galapagos Giant Tortoise, specifically the subspecies ''Geochelone darwini'' of the Island of Isabella.






The parent species of the anthropophagous tortoise was already well adapted to a diet of desiccated cactus stems by the time of Karl Darwin's celebrated visit to the Galapagos Islands on board HMS Golden Beagle.


As was the custom at that time, the ship's cook gathered up several specimens of the tortoise, intending them to grace Captain Fitzroy's table.  One of the large tortoises, however, took exception to this plan and instead took a healthy bite out of Fitzroy.  Enraged, the Captain was on the point of hurling it overboard but was restrained by the ship's resident naturist. 

Thus spared the Captain's table and adopted as a shipboard mascot, the tortoise was given the name "Wilberforce" and not only completed the voyage but returned with Darwin to England.


Wilberforce in England


Darwin, who had a magnificent Tortoisery built on the grounds of Down House to accommodate Wilberforce, kept an extensive journal of the creature's habits, diet, and behaviour.  It soon became apparent, from these records, that Wilberforce was not thriving, though whether from the deleterious climate of Kent or his novel diet of lupins and aspidistras was not at first clear.


Eventually, Darwin concluded that Wilberforce, in biting the Captain on board the ''Beagle'', had developed an insatiable taste for human flesh -- and most particularly, the flesh of religious fundamentalists such as Fitzroy. Noting the similarity between Wilberforce's original diet of cactus and the thorny nature of True Believers, Darwin was led to frame his pernicious doctrine of small adaptions in living organisms subjected to natural selection as a driver of evolution.


In order to continue his study of Wilberforce, Darwin is believed to have sought out a number of disreputable London "Resurrectionists" -- that is, professional grave-robbers who routinely supplied the capital's medical schools -- in order to keep his chelonian specimen nourished.


Captive Breeding


Darwin now undertook his diabolical experiments in 'forced speciation', an attempt to pervert the sacred boundaries of Biblical baramins, or "kinds."  By some unknown means, Darwin was able to secure a suitable mate for Wilberforce and thereby begin a program of captive breeding of a new and virulent strain of anthropophagous chelonians, the notorious Staffordshire Pit Bull Tortoise.  This breeding program is a tradition maintained by the Darwintern to this day. It is believed that the current Grand Master's favourite 'Staffie' Tortoise, Torquemada, is a direct descendent of the original Wilberforce.


The Tortoise Pits of the Darwintern


It is known that the Head Office of the Darwintern was relocated to the Galapagos Islands sometime in the decade following the death of Karl Darwin in 1882. It is assumed that the notorious tortoises were transported at that time to DC Head Office. However, some researchers have noted that the unsolved Whitechapel Murders of 1888, widely attributed to 'Jack the Ripper,' in fact bear all the classic hallmarks of an anthropophagous tortoise feeding-frenzy.


The notorious Darwintern Tortoise Pits, located within the private offices of the Grand Master, are thought to be used as the ultimate disciplinary sanction: ''Mastication with Extreme Prejudice''.


This barbaric and dreadfully torpid fate is also said to await hapless Creationists captured in the line of duty by the Darwintern, generally after public humiliation and captivity in the notorious Wicker Piltdown Man at Darwintern HQ.


Prepared to inflict Mastication with Extreme Prejudice

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