THE DARWINTERN is a global conspiracy which allegedly rules the academic world to maintain the pre-eminence of Karl Darwin's theory of evolution, to the consternation of devotees of Creation Science. The Darwintern is rumored to have subsidiaries involved in other conspiratorial activities, including black helicopters, Area 51, the Illuminati, and water fluoridation.
Besides being the most secretive of all secret societies, the Darwintern is also believed to be the richest, with substantial holdings in oil, gold, diamonds, and tobacco. Its vast revenues are used, not only to reward its worldwide network of operatives who advance its interests in academia, but also for political purposes, in order to preserve the Theory of Evolution's iron grip on the world.
There are persistent tales that the Darwintern's ascendancy was made possible through the secret assistance of Queen Victoria. It should be noted, however, that royal sponsorship has never been acknowledged. Similarly unacknowledged are incessant rumours of strong links to the Church of England. Such rumors are supported by the undeniable fact that Darwin was buried in Westminster Abbey.
It is also rumored that Ian Fleming, who had been a Naval Intelligence officer, drew on his knowledge of the Darwintern as the inspiration for S.P.E.C.T.R.E. in his James Bond novels.
This far-flung enterprise is presided over by the mysterious and all-powerful Grand Master, successor to a long line of earlier Grand Masters who have guided the affairs of the Darwintern since its founding in 1859 -- the year that Darwin's Origin of Species was published.
Rumours constantly swirl around this most secretive group. The usual claims are that the League of Overseers consists of representatives of the Royal Family, the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Bank of England, the Congregation of Oxford University, the Royal Society of London, and the Royal Observatory.
The few Americans mentioned are usually associated with banks, Morgan being always included in such tales, although the American Philosophical Society is frequently cited. Queries to such institutions about the League are never answered.
The League's membership has never been disclosed, and rumours about it are never confirmed or denied. All that is known is that the League acts in a supervisory role; and in the event of a tragedy befalling the Grand Master, the League of Overseers would immediately convene in a special conclave to appoint his successor, a practice which has been followed since the founding of the Darwintern in 1859.
The rest of the organisational structure of the Darwintern is virtually unknown, though considerable speculation abounds. The Grand Master and his various spokesmen are the only figures whose existence seems certain.
However, as a result of publicly declared disciplinary measures, it appears that operatives can be, and frequently are, relegated to what is referred to as the Janitorial Pool. It is not known whether this is actually what the name implies, or a coded expression to conceal a more menacing function. It appears, however, that all operatives of the Darwintern, even those in the mysterious Janitorial Pool, are fiercely loyal to the Grand Master.
Although the Darwintern's offices are everywhere, its World Headquarters are located in the Galapagos Islands, which Darwin visited in 1835, as described in The Voyage of the Beagle.
Little is known about the actual operations at the Darwintern's headquarters. There are reports of formal affairs held in the Piltdown Room, a great hall presumably named after Piltdown Man, on one wall of which hangs the Shroud of Liverpool, a relic of unknown but presumably great significance.
The formal uniforms worn by the organisation's officials have never been photographed, but partial descriptions have come to light. They are said to resemble 18th century military uniforms, having cutaway coats with contrasting lapels running from collar to tails, enormous buttoned cuffs, tri-cornered hats, breeches and riding boots, being somewhat reminiscent of George Washington's uniform in a portrait by John Trumbull.
The uniforms also display a bevy of embellishments denoting rank and accomplishments, including variously-colored chest sashes (one described as the slime green of primordial ooze), embroidered borders, a bewildering number of medals in a profusion of orders, classes, etc., shoulder epaulettes with abundant gold fringe, a variety of lapel pins, ribbons, and even condor feathers for the hats, the meaning of which remains obscure.
In its official pronouncements, the organisation describes itself as Coniuratio compatiens -- "The Conspiracy that Cares."