THE DYSOVARY INSTITUTE

FROM TIME IMMEMORIAL, man has sought the answer to the Great Question of Life, “From whence do we come?” And for nearly six happy millennia, parents have passed down the wisdom of the ages to their inquiring offspring and told them the simple, beautiful truth: “My child, the Stork left you in the cabbage patch.”

But today, dedicated perverts, in the name of ’science’, seek to displace this ancient verity with an outlandish, materialistic ‘just so’ story. In our public schools, a child is no longer taught he is a cherished gift bestowed on us by a benevolent avian emissary, but rather, the meaningless product of a mythical process called Natural Conception.

This pernicious doctrine was foisted upon an innocent world 150 years ago by a deviant English atheist, Karl Darwin, a tortured soul consumed by the sin of Lust. Seeking justification for his unspeakable carnal urges, Darwin created an outlandish alternative, in his Origin of Infants, to the ancient account of the Cabbage Patch.

According to his theory (for which there is not a scintilla of actual proof), we arise from a shameful act called sexual congress, whereby the impure micturating regions (or, to give them their proper medical name, the sloppy naughty bits) of two individuals, a male and female, are temporarily conjoined. Friction is supplied by means of a variety of lascivious gyrations, eventually resulting–it is claimed–in the explosive transmission of some millions of microscopic, tadpole-like creatures from the male sloppy naughty bits. Though totally deaf, blind, and dumb, and wholly lacking either compass, map, or GPS system, these invisible creatures are then supposed to find their way–in total darkness, no less!–through the labyrinthine female sloppy naughty bits and miraculously find concealed therein a single, pin-head sized ‘egg’. But now comes the truly preposterous part: it is claimed that, of the millions of little tadpoles said to actually complete this impossible task, only one — through random chance alone — actually fuses with the ‘egg’ (without breaking the shell, in some unspecifed fashion) in an act of ‘Conception’ from which it is to be believed a new life is formed. And that is the ‘justification’ manufactured by Darwin to promote his craving for unbridled licentiousness: it’s for the children!

And what of Stork-fearing folk, who approach the mystery of reproduction with a humble and reverent acknowledgement of Irreducible Perplexity? For 150 years, we have been persecuted by the Darwintern, barred by lust-filled judges from teaching the truth about the Cabbage Patch in our public schools. No peer-reviewed ’scientific’ journal will accept articles about the Stork, no professor devout in his faith in the Cabbage Patch secures tenure. Mankind’s most cherished beliefs are ruthlessly trampled underfoot and dismissed as childish story tales by the Darwinist thought-police…

…Until now!

Despite extreme persecution and ridicule, some true scientists have begun to fight back, courageously exposing Natural Conception as a most unnatural perversion of the TRVTH, and demanding the opportunity to place before High School students the daily-accumulating evidence to show where babies really come from. We have banded together and hired an army of lawyers and Public Relations gurus to found the Dysovary Institute, dedicated to the extirpation of heartless materialism from science, and the establishment of the TRVTH of the Cabbage Patch. It is time to teach the controversy!

Of course, no dogmatic Darwinist is willing to look at the glaring flaws in the Theory of Natural Conception, but we demand they be proclaimed. Darwinists claim that our bodies, which are composed of qazillions of cells of bazillions of differing types, arises solely from two individual cells of only two different types, a ‘tadpole’ and an ‘egg’. But this is a mathematical impossibility, for 2+2=4, now and forever–except in the crazed delusions of Darwinists. So where are all those extra qazillions of cells supposed to come from? Darwinists claim the cells divide, but again, hard mathematics shows the absurdity here: 1 divided by 2 is not 2, but 1/2! The more cells, the smaller the total gets, using this twisted Darwinist ‘logic’. It is also a violation of the Law of the Conservation of Matter. But of course, Darwinists have no interest in Laws, beyond wantonly breaking them.

Then consider all of the observations, readily to hand, which Darwinists simply ignore. It is a scientific fact that lion cubs are only delivered to lion parents, zebra foals to zebra parents, human babies to human parents. If life was created by fusing an ‘egg’ with a random ‘tadpole’, we would see giraffes with kittens for offspring, which never of course arises. The evidence overwhelmingly points to a system of Intelligent Delivery, whereby the young are delivered only to parents of its own kind.

This is irrefutable evidence of Intelligent Delivery, and by inexorable logic, proves the existence of an Intelligent Deliverer. Now, we of the DI are steadfast in our faith in the Stork, but it is essential (in order to not run afoul of the Constitutional Establishment Clause), that we are entirely moot on the precise identity of the Intelligent Deliverer. We cannot rule out, on scientific grounds, the possibility that the Intelligent Deliverer is in fact a Pelican, a Cormorant, a Blue-Footed Booby, or indeed, FedEx. Some literalist Fundamental Cabbagists may be uncomfortable with this finding, but we urge them to keep quiet in public about this in order to maintain a united front against the Global Darwintern that is our common foe.

The Stork-denying ’scientists’ may claim you were conceived by your parents jiggling their sloppy naughty bits together, but did you actually see it? Were you there? Yet such is the outrageous demand made of you by ’science’, an appalling degradation of the sanctity of parenthood.

We of the Dysovary Institute are daily fighting the pernicious Darwinist doctrines which underpin every moral outrage abroad in the world today. We need your good will. We need your prayers. Most of all, we need your cash, as much as you can spare, and we need it now!