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Young Conspiracy Theory

Page history last edited by Swinefat Pink 14 years ago


THE YOUNG CONSPIRACY THEORY (YCT) holds that the global conspiracy cabal known as the Darwintern was created out of his own household by Karl Darwin in 1859. 


While allowing that the organisation of the Darwintern has undergone substantial growth and modification since that time (microevolution), YCT denies that earlier "kinds" (or baramins) of cabals, such as the Freemasons, could have transmuted (by macroevolution) into the modern-day Conspiracy that Cares, as is maintained by the Old Conspiracy Theory (OCT). However, OCTists and YCTists are in broad agreement about the course of the cabal's development over the past 175 years, as described in this present CONSPIRAWIKI article.


Origin of the Feces


The inspirational -- though not strictly the legal -- founder of what is now known as the Darwintern Janitorial Pool is generally regarded as one Syms Covington (1816-1861), who served as a Cabin Boy on board HMS Golden Beagle during its renowned voyage of 1831-1836.


Covington's meticulous zeal in carrying out his daily duties, such as the ritual morning "slopping out" of the shipboard chamber pots, did not pass unnoticed by the ship's naturist, the future eponymous founder--and perhaps the first Grand Master of the Darwintern. At that time still gathering the data from which he would later formulate his celebrated theory of the origin of species, Darwin recorded in his journals the overall contribution Covington's sea-borne sanitary exertions made to the well-being -- indeed, to the very survival -- of the entire crew.


In a passage clearly foreshadowing his later observations on evolutionary adaptation, Darwin duly noted the critical edge higher standards of shipboard sanitation imparted to the Royal Navy. "Could Nelson," Darwin noted in his Beagle Journal, "have triumphed at Trafalgar had his gun crews been assailed, as were our French opponents, by unspeakably foul excreta flung by the rolling main from unsecured chamber pots hurtling hither and yon across the decks? I think not."


Downstairs at Down


Later, when he took up residence at Down House in Kent, the still-young Darwin instituted a vigorous regime of household management, taking pains to recruit only the most experienced and conscientious domestic servants available, organising and drilling them along strict naval lines. He commanded from his small squad of household staff--whom his son Leonard playfully named "the DDD" (The Down Downstairs Domestics)--the highest standards of personal hygiene, utmost attention to every detail, and unswerving personal loyalty.


And such loyalty was not only demanded but positively required to carry out such tasks as Darwin set. Notable among these was the morning inspection of the chamber pots, ostensibly to check for signs of parasitic infection or other medical disorders, but in practice rather a confirming symptom of Darwin's fashionable mid-Victorian strain of hypochondria. Indeed, such was Darwin's concerns on this score, one particular servant (dubbed the "stool pigeon") was required to maintain punctilious written records in a "log" book. Some OCTists believe it is from these particular duties that the deeply mysterious Darwintern ritual of Pimento Prognostication arose, but this is controversial.


Many of Darwin's other obsessive needs (such as cleaning the mirror by the front door carefully positioned to warn him of visitors to Down House whom he might prefer to avoid) were serviced, with loving devotion, by the Downstairs Domestics of Down.


Arguably, in the embryonic formation of the Down Downstairs Domestics may be traced much of the future structure of the Darwintern. The ancestral corps of chamber pot attendants gave rise by easy stages to the Janitorial Pool, which included record-keeping functions and a surveillance-mirror maintenance agent (the progenitor of Security and Covert Operations--now notorious as Darwintern Black Ops, or to give its official title, Ministry of Envy).


The Custodial Underground


The story is well known how, in 1858, Darwin received Alfred Wallace's "bombshell" letter, in which it was clear that the junior scientist had independently hit upon the importance to natural selection of, inter alia, washing ones hands after answering calls of nature. Thus precipitously bounced into publishing Origin of the Communist Manifesto, Darwin stepped up to the challenge and formalised the structure of his godless conspiracy--of which his humble staff of downstairs domestics were the foundation.


And so it was, in 1859, that the DDD was formally (albeit secretly) chartered as the Worshipful Company of Custodial Attendants. The acronym, WCCA, would later give rise to a number of conspiracy theories concerning "Wiccans"--but from the outset this cabal of cleaners, recorders, and spies was generally known simply as the Worshipful Company.


Early Operations of the Worshipful Company of Custodial Attendants


The nascent WCCA originally held true to its mission statement as a "caring" conspiracy. At a time when typhus and other diseases of poor sanitation still took a grim and regular toll of hapless Londoners, the Worshipful Company began a series of covert but benevolent activities.


A typical operation would consist of forced entry at midnight into a public venue, such as the Victoria and Albert Museum, installing the requisite plumbing with a flushable toilet in a broom closet, and finally affixing the cryptic letters "W.C." to the door. Popularly misunderstood to represent "water closet", this deliberate piece of bogus etymology has been erroneously sanctioned by the Oxford English Dictionary and is still widely believed to this day.


From Worshipful Company to Janitorial Pool: The Malignant Growth of the Darwintern


In accordance with the Darwinian principle of complexity from simple origins, the WC was from the outset of the Darwintern the principle agency of recruitment. To this day, it is thought that all "Caring Conspirators" are required to enter the secret society at its most humble level, attend rigourous training at the notorious Bowl Camp, and "evolve" their way into whatever niche for which they are best adapted within the global conspiracy. Thus, the WC formed--under the popular misnomer of "The Janitorial Pool"--the most public face of the highly-secretive Darwin International Conspiracy.


Related CONSPIRAWIKI Articles:

Organisation of the Darwintern

Janitorial Pool



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